a night like this

hard rain comes down 45th st.
It's near the end of the first year in a new town. My first Shafty Shaft party.
I wait till the end. it's well past 2AM, and I wait so she'll walk me to my car.
She digs an umbrella out of the closet to shield us, and we walk slow, savoring the moments.

I knew this would come sometime. For the first time, she wants to put us into words. I don't want to do this. It's going slow, and as crazy as I am about her, I'm still not sure how much farther I want to go.

We are close. Her friends have become my family.

All that, and I still can't put this into words. I don't want to let this wonderful tension and love slip into the discomfort of 'friends'.

Finally, for our own reasons, we're both about to cry. and then she asks for words. The question that's been put off for months.

I'm left to give her the truth up to this moment. I can't forgive myself and allow for false hopes after this fleeting moment. My answer is not what either of us want at this moment. With all the love and certainty that I want in this moment to hold her and never let go, I can't because of the confusion it would foster.

I give her a kiss for the first time, and say goodnight. From the cold unstarted carseat, I watch her sad or contemplative walk; slowly home; Her tears clearly distinguishable from the rain.

it's 4 years later and as much as I know I did the right thing, I desperately wish I could have given a different answer. There is no word for the depths of how much I miss her.