how to waste a day

#1 Pre-Plan to do nothing
#2 Wake up to bad news.
#3 acknowledge that it's all beyond your control, and go back to sleep.
#4 Wake up to further iterations of same news mid day
#5 check email. silence
#6 go back to sleep.
#7 Dream about being at a conference with Eric Stack and Kyle Lemoi
#8 Woke up at 7PM
#9 when the passionate urge to do at least 1 productive thing today strikes, realize that the gym closes in 17 min.
#10 Decide to order pizza, play with cat and watch anime.

The end of January, and my year begins to tear

(as in shred, no cryin here)


I probably have *something* to say, but I don't much feel like saying much.

well except, that I wanna go to Cancun or something.

I will now get out of the way for a few min to let the Rev. Moby speak a few sage words.

“The pre-show with Celine Dion made my skin crawl,” notes the chrome-domed performer. “Ugh. It was so creepy. I guess I have this fantasy that at some big, corporate sporting event they’ll have a reading of the Bill of Rights instead of Celine Dion butchering a song while zombified backing singers smile like poster children for Xanax.”

This....

http://yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html is the fucking greatest thing.

ever.

a night like this

hard rain comes down 45th st.
It's near the end of the first year in a new town. My first Shafty Shaft party.
I wait till the end. it's well past 2AM, and I wait so she'll walk me to my car.
She digs an umbrella out of the closet to shield us, and we walk slow, savoring the moments.

I knew this would come sometime. For the first time, she wants to put us into words. I don't want to do this. It's going slow, and as crazy as I am about her, I'm still not sure how much farther I want to go.

We are close. Her friends have become my family.

All that, and I still can't put this into words. I don't want to let this wonderful tension and love slip into the discomfort of 'friends'.

Finally, for our own reasons, we're both about to cry. and then she asks for words. The question that's been put off for months.

I'm left to give her the truth up to this moment. I can't forgive myself and allow for false hopes after this fleeting moment. My answer is not what either of us want at this moment. With all the love and certainty that I want in this moment to hold her and never let go, I can't because of the confusion it would foster.

I give her a kiss for the first time, and say goodnight. From the cold unstarted carseat, I watch her sad or contemplative walk; slowly home; Her tears clearly distinguishable from the rain.

it's 4 years later and as much as I know I did the right thing, I desperately wish I could have given a different answer. There is no word for the depths of how much I miss her.